Feelings in Recovery

For me, living one day at a time can seem impossible when faced with all the feelings and memories that surface and continue to surface during my recovery. I deal with feelings by going to AA meetings where I am foremost reminded that I am not alone. Contact with others helps me stay in and work only on ‘today.’ At times I talk feelings out, cry them out, and yell them out with a sponsor. I listen at meetings and am cognizant of my emotional reactions to what others are saying. Other times I write, walk them out, or do something else that I find both safe and comforting.

Facing the past as it surfaces in my life today doesn't mean I have to stay stuck in it. I allow the healing power of AA to both help me feel my old, buried emotions, and put them where they belong – in the past.

As I wallowed in my alcoholism and drug addiction, I felt that because I didn't discuss my thoughts and feelings I was the only person who felt that way. Keeping my feelings to myself was a survival mechanism that I felt helped me remain emotionally neutral and in control. Initially at AA meetings I was amazed to hear others speak about things that were so personal. People would unabashedly share their feelings out loud in a large group of diverse people from all walks of life. I felt included and relieved when someone expressed the very thoughts I was even afraid to admit to myself. After meetings I would often spend some time in my car writing down impressions and specific sayings that I wanted to remember.

My growth in recovery is about progress, not perfection. Keeping feelings secret to me no longer provides a sense of safety and security that it used to. When I share with others what is going on with me, I not only have an opportunity to experience the love, understanding, and support of my fellow AA members but to also help someone else. Talking about my feelings is not a sign of weakness and after I share I feel so much better!

I use The Serenity Prayer and the slogans “keep it simple,” “easy does it,” and “one day at a time.” Not only do I think about them, but I also practice them. Practicing them reminds me to take things slow. Things I need or want to accomplish in my life aren't going to get accomplished this day, this week, or maybe even this year. I didn't become an addict in a day; I practiced those habits and ritualistic behaviors. My recovery is also going to take time and won’t always be easy. It’s often said that while AA is a simple program, it’s not always easy. But that’s OK. My higher power is always with me, through thick and thin; I am never alone.

At times I may feel like a failure, but I have learned in this program that feelings are not facts. Feelings are a natural part of being human and alert us to possible threats to our survival. Feelings alert us to areas in our lives that require our attention. When I stopped stuffing down my feelings, I was on my way to recovery. While I thought that I was keeping my problems a secret, most of my family and friends knew I had problems before I ever admitted it to myself.

Growing up, and during my using days, I used denial to protect myself from feeling pain and disguised events with alcohol and drugs. But by doing that, I also blocked out experiences of pleasures and joy. It’s true that you have to take the good as well as the bad. You couldn't even have a sense of ‘good’ if there wasn't any ‘bad’ to balance things out.

My feelings of a conscious contact with a higher power have changed over time. Whereas growing up I knew of a stern, legalistic God who was just waiting for me to screw up so he could zap me dead, I am now connected to an approachable, faithful Father who is not only rooting for me, but is with me on every step I take, whether it’s a step forward or backward.

New in sobriety, you will have many feelings that at times seem overwhelming. Remember that feelings are what makes us human and are necessary if we don’t want to go through life with a flat affect as a robot. Feelings allow us to so uniquely experience the medley of life. Feelings in and of themselves cannot hurt you - embrace and share them when necessary. Acknowledge what you are feeling and ride the wave out.  

How to Deal with Difficult Emotions

1. Play Music. Play music that creates an emotion that is the opposite of the one you are struggling with. For example, if you are feeling very sad, play happy, upbeat music. If you are feeling anxious, play slow, relaxing music.

2. Do Something. Take on in a highly engaging activity. Television or computer activities do not count here - these are too passive. Instead, take a walk, dance, clean your house, or do some other activity that gets you involved and distract you from your current emotions.

3. Call Someone. Reaching out to others can really help with you are struggling with strong emotions. Call a supportive friend, sponsor or family member. If you don’t have someone in mind that is supportive, call a helpline.

4. Pray. Are you a religious or spiritual person? If you are (or even if you’re not but have considered trying) praying can be tremendously helpful in times of extreme stress.

5. Ride it out. The peak of most strong emotional reactions (and the urges to engage in harmful activities, like self-harming, or drinking) last for a few minutes and then begin to subside. Grab an egg times from the kitchen and set it for 10 minutes. Wait the 10 minutes and practice riding out the emotion. The more you practice this, the better you will get at it.

6. Be mindful. Practice mindfulness of your emotion. Notice the emotion you are having and let yourself experience it as a wave, without trying to block it, suppress it, or hold onto it. Try to accept the emotion for what it is.

7. Breathe Deeply. Sit or lie somewhere quiet and bring your attention to your breathing. Breathe evenly, slowly, and deeply. Watch your stomach rise and fall with each breath.

8. Take a Warm Bath or Shower. Try to lose yourself in the sensations of the warm water, the smell of the soap, etc. Allow the sensations to distract you from the situation you are upset about. “Calgon, take me away!”

9. Ground Yourself. When emotions seem to be taking you out of the current moment (for example, you are starting to feel “zoned out” or can’t see anything else going on at the moment), do something to ground yourself. Grab and ice cube and hold it to in your hand for a few moments, snap a rubber band against your wrist, “snap yourself back” into the moment.

10. Help Someone Else. Do something nice for someone else. It doesn’t have to be something big; you can walk to the nearest store, buy a pack of gum, and give the cashier a smile and say “Have a great day!” It may sound silly, but small gestures like this can really reduce emotional pain. It gets you out of yourself and makes you feel good about yourself.

What are some of the ways you deal with difficult emotions? Share some with us!

Book Review: Believable Hope

Believable Hope: Five Essential Elements To Beat Any Addiction. Michael Cartwright with Ken Abraham. 2012. ISBN 13: 978-07573-1730-9. Paperback $14.95. Health Communications, Inc. Themes: addiction and recovery; self-help. 

The author states the book's purpose is to offer a "non-clinical, easy-to-understand transformation tool to develop a positive mindset useful to people with any addiction, and from any walk of life." Believable hope is written with genuine compassion and positive affirmations, interspersed with the author's personal addiction experiences and his experiences as the owner of the American Addiction Centers located in California, Texas, Nevada, and Tennessee.

The author's writing style is that of encourager and cheerleader. This book is co-written with Ken Abraham, an experienced writer/editor who has collaborated on thirteen New York Times bestsellers. Mr. Cartwright presents Believable Hope’s motivational ideas clearly and coherently. The book is structured in chronological order of the 5 ingredients the author suggests are necessary in facilitating lasting change. He thoroughly addresses each step.

The first half of the book focuses on Mr. Cartwright’s own personal addiction story, including anecdotes of Cartwright's relationship with his wise grandmother, which is both touching and just plain fun to read. The second half of the book talks more directly about the author’s American Addiction Center experiences. Reading other book reviews on this title, I found complaints about the book being an advertisement for the author's addiction centers. I wish to respond to that. If I owned a treatment center which showed a remarkable ability to help people overcome their addictions, I would feel compelled to tell others about it as well.

However, the fatal flaw in this book is that the authors do a great disservice to those who have chemical addictions. (I define chemical addiction as any addiction to mind altering substances, including legal prescription medications, illegal drugs, and alcohol.) They don't acknowledge the seriousness of drug and alcohol addiction over other addictions. While obsessive and compulsive behaviors are present in every addiction, chemical addicts have the additional component of physical addiction.  Whereas the initial use of the drug causes a feeling of enjoyment, the grave issue is that the addict ends up physically addicted to the chemical. Many times, the addict is only one drink or drug away from death. Additionally with street drug use, you have no idea what chemicals have been added to the drug before you got it.

I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic and the further I progress in my recovery, there is one thing I know for sure: There was no way that I could start to improve my life until I had purged my body of the toxic chemicals I had self-medicated myself with. I tried with no avail. The addict's problem is more complex than having little or no willpower to quit using. The tenets of Believable Hope wouldn't have had a chance of helping me change my addictive behaviors until my mind was clear of the drugs.

During the 28 days I spent in a treatment center an ambulance would come every single day to transport a client to the hospital because they had suffered a seizure due to their body's reaction to not having whatever drug the addict had been abusing. Consequently, I do not suggest anyone go through detoxifying themselves from alcohol or any other chemical on their own. The body doesn't care what steps you are taking to be free of the drugs in your system, it only knows it wants the drugs and responds to that physical need.

While reading this book, noting that the author has worked for years with clients in his addiction centers, I wondered if he holds any degrees in substance abuse counseling, psychology, etc. Additionally, I want to know what research informs his approach to addiction recovery. How does Mr. Cartwright define ‘success’ and how successful are his addiction centers compared with other treatment center programs and combinations of programs, including AA, NA, and individual counseling.

There is a therapeutic and practical value of one addict telling another addict what his life was like in the throes of addiction and how he overcame his struggle. I think Believable Hope would be a stronger tool for recovery if the addicts themselves told their own story in the first person narrative rather than the author telling their stories.

Another thing I wondered about was why exactly Mr. Cartwright separated the wealthy addicts from the addicts who were homeless. Addiction is no respecter socioeconomic status; in the end they are all reduced to addicts. I believe the author does all of his clients a great disservice by separating them by how much money they make. From my experience, I see the inclusion of all persons as nothing less than beneficial to each and every client. The biggest difference between the wealthier and poorer clients is that the wealthier persons had more money to spend on their drug of choice.

Mr. Cartwright’s “discovered secrets" to create permanent, positive change aren't any secret. The only secret is an explanation of how to be free of the physical addiction of chemical abuse. Additionally, the authors make no mention of taking a look at your behaviors and coming to a realization of just how sick your thinking and behavior was. How did the addict’s vice affect his family and friends? There needs to be an initial focus on the addict’s history of poor choices. George Santayana, who, in his Reason in Common Sense, The Life of Reason, Vol.1, wrote "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." In Cartwright's steps, he leaves out the addict accepting responsibility for the situation he’s in. In AA, they say, "We do not want to forget our past, but instead learn from it."

Believable hope provides motivation to creating a healthier life and mindset, but the seriousness of addiction needs to be addressed. Every month there is someone I know either from one of my recovery programs or from working with the homeless on the street who took their last drink or drug and died. The bottom line is that if the addict can't find a way to stop his addiction, death will.

There is no magic formula for overcoming addiction. Recovery is as complex and individual to the addict as the person is to humanity. "The point is that habitual behaviors come in many different forms, and squeezing them into one framework misses some of the nuances of how to change behavior effectively." Timothy D. Wilson. Regarding Believable Hope: Take what you need and leave the rest.