Feelings in Recovery

For me, living one day at a time can seem impossible when faced with all the feelings and memories that surface and continue to surface during my recovery. I deal with feelings by going to AA meetings where I am foremost reminded that I am not alone. Contact with others helps me stay in and work only on ‘today.’ At times I talk feelings out, cry them out, and yell them out with a sponsor. I listen at meetings and am cognizant of my emotional reactions to what others are saying. Other times I write, walk them out, or do something else that I find both safe and comforting.

Facing the past as it surfaces in my life today doesn't mean I have to stay stuck in it. I allow the healing power of AA to both help me feel my old, buried emotions, and put them where they belong – in the past.

As I wallowed in my alcoholism and drug addiction, I felt that because I didn't discuss my thoughts and feelings I was the only person who felt that way. Keeping my feelings to myself was a survival mechanism that I felt helped me remain emotionally neutral and in control. Initially at AA meetings I was amazed to hear others speak about things that were so personal. People would unabashedly share their feelings out loud in a large group of diverse people from all walks of life. I felt included and relieved when someone expressed the very thoughts I was even afraid to admit to myself. After meetings I would often spend some time in my car writing down impressions and specific sayings that I wanted to remember.

My growth in recovery is about progress, not perfection. Keeping feelings secret to me no longer provides a sense of safety and security that it used to. When I share with others what is going on with me, I not only have an opportunity to experience the love, understanding, and support of my fellow AA members but to also help someone else. Talking about my feelings is not a sign of weakness and after I share I feel so much better!

I use The Serenity Prayer and the slogans “keep it simple,” “easy does it,” and “one day at a time.” Not only do I think about them, but I also practice them. Practicing them reminds me to take things slow. Things I need or want to accomplish in my life aren't going to get accomplished this day, this week, or maybe even this year. I didn't become an addict in a day; I practiced those habits and ritualistic behaviors. My recovery is also going to take time and won’t always be easy. It’s often said that while AA is a simple program, it’s not always easy. But that’s OK. My higher power is always with me, through thick and thin; I am never alone.

At times I may feel like a failure, but I have learned in this program that feelings are not facts. Feelings are a natural part of being human and alert us to possible threats to our survival. Feelings alert us to areas in our lives that require our attention. When I stopped stuffing down my feelings, I was on my way to recovery. While I thought that I was keeping my problems a secret, most of my family and friends knew I had problems before I ever admitted it to myself.

Growing up, and during my using days, I used denial to protect myself from feeling pain and disguised events with alcohol and drugs. But by doing that, I also blocked out experiences of pleasures and joy. It’s true that you have to take the good as well as the bad. You couldn't even have a sense of ‘good’ if there wasn't any ‘bad’ to balance things out.

My feelings of a conscious contact with a higher power have changed over time. Whereas growing up I knew of a stern, legalistic God who was just waiting for me to screw up so he could zap me dead, I am now connected to an approachable, faithful Father who is not only rooting for me, but is with me on every step I take, whether it’s a step forward or backward.

New in sobriety, you will have many feelings that at times seem overwhelming. Remember that feelings are what makes us human and are necessary if we don’t want to go through life with a flat affect as a robot. Feelings allow us to so uniquely experience the medley of life. Feelings in and of themselves cannot hurt you - embrace and share them when necessary. Acknowledge what you are feeling and ride the wave out.